The problem with being in a profession where I am constantly dealing with other people's problems is that I find myself unable to allow myself to feel sorry for myself. That sounds like a great thing doesn't it? It sounds like an ideal arrangement.
I have a wonderful husband, a wonderful baby boy, a wonderful mommy, a wonderful place to live (however horribly messy it is), a good income, and a job where I help others every day. What do I have to be sad about? When, in the same day, I see a mom of a 20 week pregnancy in a dissolving and abusive marriage lose her baby and when I see a wife cry in the hallway after we can't bring her husband back from an 40 minute code blue situation, what do I have to be sad about? How can I even bring myself to recognize and acknowledge the feelings? If I can't acknowledge the feelings how can I make them go away? There is a lot of guilt that comes along with these thoughts, let alone what happens if I allow them to exist and muddle my way through thinking about them. The fear of judgement is real. Even writing this into the abyss feels so very wrong. Doctors are not supposed to be humans, right?
For the record, I am happy. In the few moments I can tear myself away and take a long view of my life, I can see that things are going well. I can't complain. I have been blessed and I am so grateful. I have worked so hard and it has paid off. And yet my 'fenestrated membrane' is so fragile and I feel so guilty about it.
Friday, February 6, 2015
It is 8:30PM on a Friday night. The house is quiet except for the distant sound of Kai's sound machine in his room and I'm sitting on my bed when I suddenly realize I am so happy.
There are piles of clothes in one bed corner waiting to be put away, diapers in the other corner waiting to be folded, there is not a single piece of space on the desk because it is covered in piles of unorganized journal articles / bills / coupons... and yet I am happy.
I realized two days ago that I have 5 pairs of shoes that have no pair. In every nook and cranny I find random shoes but no pair. I have no idea where they are... and yet I am happy.
The multiple To-Do lists I have for work, home, projects never ever get smaller. When I finally check one off the list three more take it's place...and yet I am happy.
Nothing is perfect, or even remotely close to it... and yet I am happy.
A little boy at the end of the hall now reliably sleeping through the night giving me ~4 hrs every evening to myself does that. This little box up on the shelf does that.
This little box filled with clothes that the little boy has grown out of. This little box being solid proof that whatever I am doing seems to be working. Whatever I am doing is helping his little body that used to seem so impossibly small to grow.
And of course the next thought that I had was that I am a crazy woman. I am clearly going mad. But I suppose for tonight I will have to be content to be a ridiculously crazy woman who is so happy. :-) I am so thankful.
Sunday, February 1, 2015
Well after about a year's hiatus here we are again. It is so hard to believe that we have a little human of our very own now. Our little Kai. I have had the thought "I'm very blessed" many times before but never ever has it felt so truly real.
So much has happened in the past year that it has been, at times difficult to remember all the details. I never had a chance to consolidate everything into one 'story' so here is my feeble attempt at doing so. (a.k.a the longest post in the history of posts!) I'm sure there is a ton missing but this will have to do for now.
Our first trip to Colorado! It was a wonderful thing to meet my long-lost sister Inger for the first time. Man, how awful did I look at the time. I was so tired from coming off of a very difficult rotation at work so as per usual all of our travel plans were put together at the eleventh hour.
Little did we know that we were pregnant at the time! In retrospect, I'm glad that we ended up not being able to ski. :-P After over a year of trying for this my reaction was not of one of surprise or euphoria but more of an "OK! It is about time! Let's get this show on the road!".