Saturday, August 8, 2015


The problem with being in a profession where I am constantly dealing with other people's problems is that I find myself unable to allow myself to feel sorry for myself.  That sounds like a great thing doesn't it?  It sounds like an ideal arrangement.

I have a wonderful husband, a wonderful baby boy, a wonderful mommy, a wonderful place to live (however horribly messy it is), a good income, and a job where I help others every day.  What do I have to be sad about? When, in the same day, I see a mom of a 20 week pregnancy in a dissolving and abusive marriage lose her baby and when I see a wife cry in the hallway after we can't bring her husband back from an 40 minute code blue situation, what do I have to be sad about?  How can I even bring myself to recognize and acknowledge the feelings?  If I can't acknowledge the feelings how can I make them go away?  There is a lot of guilt that comes along with these thoughts, let alone what happens if I allow them to exist and muddle my way through thinking about them.  The fear of judgement is real.  Even writing this into the abyss feels so very wrong.  Doctors are not supposed to be humans, right?

For the record, I am happy.  In the few moments I can tear myself away and take a long view of my life, I can see that things are going well.  I can't complain.  I have been blessed and I am so grateful.  I have worked so hard and it has paid off.  And yet my 'fenestrated membrane' is so fragile and I feel so guilty about it.

Friday, February 6, 2015

A Little Box Up On The Shelf

It is 8:30PM on a Friday night.  The house is quiet except for the distant sound of Kai's sound machine in his room and I'm sitting on my bed when I suddenly realize I am so happy. 
There are piles of clothes in one bed corner waiting to be put away, diapers in the other corner waiting to be folded, there is not a single piece of space on the desk because it is covered in piles of unorganized journal articles / bills / coupons... and yet I am happy.  
I realized two days ago that I have 5 pairs of shoes that have no pair.  In every nook and cranny I find random shoes but no pair.  I have no idea where they are... and yet I am happy.  
The multiple To-Do lists I have for work, home, projects never ever get smaller.  When I finally check one off the list three more take it's place...and yet I am happy.
Nothing is perfect, or even remotely close to it... and yet I am happy.

A little boy at the end of the hall now reliably sleeping through the night giving me ~4 hrs every evening to myself does that.  This little box up on the shelf does that.  

This little box filled with clothes that the little boy has grown out of.  This little box being solid proof that whatever I am doing seems to be working.  Whatever I am doing is helping his little body that used to seem so impossibly small to grow.  

And of course the next thought that I had was that I am a crazy woman. I am clearly going mad.  But I suppose for tonight I will have to be content to be a ridiculously crazy woman who is so happy.  :-) I am so thankful. 

Sunday, February 1, 2015

2014 in Review --> Three and a Half Months of Mommyhood

Well after about a year's hiatus here we are again.  It is so hard to believe that we have a little human of our very own now.  Our little Kai.  I have had the thought "I'm very blessed" many times before but never ever has it felt so truly real.
So much has happened in the past year that it has been, at times difficult to remember all the details.  I never had a chance to consolidate everything into one 'story' so here is my feeble attempt at doing so.  (a.k.a the longest post in the history of posts!) I'm sure there is a ton missing but this will have to do for now.

Our first trip to Colorado!  It was a wonderful thing to meet my long-lost sister Inger for the first time.  Man, how awful did I look at the time.  I was so tired from coming off of a very difficult rotation at work so as per usual all of our travel plans were put together at the eleventh hour. 

Little did we know that we were pregnant at the time!  In retrospect, I'm glad that we ended up not being able to ski. :-P  After over a year of trying for this my reaction was not of one of surprise or euphoria but more of an "OK! It is about time!  Let's get this show on the road!".  

Monday, February 17, 2014


Being a doctor is a strange sort of a thing.

Its the sort of a job that finds you writing posts at 2AM since this is the time I have to do them during a slow night shift at work.

It is the sort of a thing that gets other people saying how grateful they are for whatever it is that I did at that particular moment, when really I want to tell them "Honestly, I really did not do that much (if anything) and it really is not that spectacular".  And I don't mean that in the "I need to be humble" sort of a sense.  But of course that is not something that doctors say.

It is the sort of a thing that keeps you thinking every minute of every day about this or that patient, this or that blood test, or one of the 5 things that always seem to be overdue.  You are never off duty, even if you are off duty.  I'm constantly thinking about what patients should be doing for themselves and fretting over them, even (or perhaps especially) when they don't seem to be fret about themselves. And it seems to be getting more pronounced the farther along I get.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Cafe Vienna

Well.  I finished medical school (yay!), went on my first European vacation, bought my first car, rented my first house, and have graduated.  I am officially Dr. ... M.D.  And yes, I still feel like an imposter.  Orientation for work starts on Monday and while I am very excited and looking forward to actually DOING what I have wanted/trained to do for decades at this point (and kind of super excited about having my first check since my pennies working for Motherhood Maternity and my odd-jobs in telemarketing and flee-markets) I have this awful irrational thought that someone will look at me and say, "Hey, how did you get here?  Sorry there must have been some mix-up in the paperwork.  We did not want you.  You are clearly not qualified."  I can't say I am excited to be working 80+ weeks but there are so many other good things happening in life right now that I can't complain.  I have so much to be thankful and happy for right now.  Life is good.  

Monday, April 15, 2013

Blow The Man Down - Piano

Strangely enough, I love this song.  Especially since I watched a documentary on the whaling industry in the 1800's.  It reminds me of Moby Dick epic stories and the vast ocean.  :-)

Do What Brings You Joy


Saturday, April 13, 2013

Crocodile Stitch Scarf

This is a stitch that I had not known about until a couple of weeks ago when a nurse on my ENT (ear, nose, throat) rotation pulled a big beautiful yellow scarf project out of her purse.  She tells me this is none other than the crocodile stitch!  

Friday, April 12, 2013

Grocery Bag

Okay guys, I have to admit I am pretty excited about this one.  I think it looks pretty fantastic if I do say so myself. ^_^

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Lavender's Blue - Piano, and Plans Plans Plans!

I'm not a fan of this song to be honest, but it is what came up and the pieces are definitely getting much more difficult now.  I can't fly through them like I could in the beginning.  I have been neglecting the violin now for quite a while since I felt like I was on a roll with the piano, but I think it is time to go back to my strings. ^_^

Oh, and did I tell you I'm done with medical school??? Why yes.... YES I AM!!!  :-D  Joy and rapture my friends.