Saturday, August 8, 2015

Chaos

The problem with being in a profession where I am constantly dealing with other people's problems is that I find myself unable to allow myself to feel sorry for myself.  That sounds like a great thing doesn't it?  It sounds like an ideal arrangement.

I have a wonderful husband, a wonderful baby boy, a wonderful mommy, a wonderful place to live (however horribly messy it is), a good income, and a job where I help others every day.  What do I have to be sad about? When, in the same day, I see a mom of a 20 week pregnancy in a dissolving and abusive marriage lose her baby and when I see a wife cry in the hallway after we can't bring her husband back from an 40 minute code blue situation, what do I have to be sad about?  How can I even bring myself to recognize and acknowledge the feelings?  If I can't acknowledge the feelings how can I make them go away?  There is a lot of guilt that comes along with these thoughts, let alone what happens if I allow them to exist and muddle my way through thinking about them.  The fear of judgement is real.  Even writing this into the abyss feels so very wrong.  Doctors are not supposed to be humans, right?

For the record, I am happy.  In the few moments I can tear myself away and take a long view of my life, I can see that things are going well.  I can't complain.  I have been blessed and I am so grateful.  I have worked so hard and it has paid off.  And yet my 'fenestrated membrane' is so fragile and I feel so guilty about it.

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